A book review blog series to strengthen your marriage relationship!
Have you ever wanted your spouse to change? Have you ever felt stuck, arguing about the same old issues over and over again?
Did you know there’s something you can do today to fundamentally, qualitatively change the way you communicate with your spouse for the better?
I received this wake-up call when I read Crucial Conversations last week. While not easy to take in, I can already see how these tools are transformational.
In a previous post, I shared why Crucial Conversations is a great marriage resource along with several key takeaways. Today, I’m diving deeper to talk about the only person you can change. Yourself. Yes, it is so easy to see what your spouse got wrong. But that often comes at the cost of being blind to yourself.
If you want to get better at communicating, solve problems for good, and yes, increase the likelihood of getting what you want (although there are, unfortunately, no guarantees), read on.
Did you know your behavior says more about what you want than what you say about what you want?
Ouch. Intentionally looking in the mirror can be painful. But the insights gained can pave a path forward. Here are some great self-reflection questions from Crucial Conversations to increase your self-awareness:
- What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive?
- What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?
- What do I really want for myself?
- What do I really want for others?
- What do I really want for the relationship?
- How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
(Patterson et al., 2002, p. 34-35, 42)
Staying clear about what we want makes it possible to bring our highest, best selves to a conversation. When our behavior is in alignment with what we say we want, it is a lot easier for our spouse to take us seriously.
“But you just don’t know my spouse! I’ve tried everything!”
I get it. I really do. We all tell ourselves this story at some point: “It’s not my fault. It’s their fault. And there’s nothing I can do about it.” But has this story ever solved the problem? If you’re ready to try something new, here are some additional self-reflection questions from Crucial Conversations that can increase your agency and your ability to effect change:
- Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
- Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
- What do I really want? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
(Patterson et al., 2002, p. 118)
It takes humility to answer these questions honestly, and hold onto our humanity and our spouse’s humanity. But there is power that comes from letting go of our victim, villain, and helpless stories. Yes, it’s harder to be open and honest than it is to get angry or withdraw. But it’s the better move if you want to increase the likelihood of positive changes.
If you’re ready to level up your communication in marriage, give these self-reflection practices a try. Don’t be surprised if your spouse is taken off guard and likes the change. And don’t forget to order a copy of Crucial Conversations if you’d like to learn more!
Reference
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. McGraw-Hill. http://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BB08235712
Hi, I’m Heather Huggard. I have always loved to learn. I especially love learning about physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. I have a bachelor’s degree from BYU in nursing (with a psychology minor), and now I am a Marriage and Family Studies major at BYU-I.
I am especially interested in studying the personal development that happens through marriage, and the topic of differentiation. The theory of differentiation comes from the work of Murray Bowen, and was later developed and applied to marriage by David Schnarch. Dr. Schnarch’s crucible approach to marriage difficulties is intriguing to me because it focuses on personal development while in a close relationship. This approach also differs from the more mainstream attachment based approaches, instead focusing on the balance between autonomy and connection. I think I am passionate about this topic because it is something I want to develop within myself.