Marriage Matters: The Anatomy of Peace Pt. 2
A book review blog series to strengthen your marriage relationship!
“We can each find our way to a place where we have no need for justification at all. We can find our way to peace- deep, lasting, authentic peace- even when war is breaking out around us” (Arbinger Institute, 2020, p. 140).
Building a strong and healthy marriage can be hard work. At times it can feel hopeless. Believe me, I know. And yet, quotes like the one above fill me with the hope and the fortitude I desperately need when my world is falling apart.
In a previous post I shared why The Anatomy of Peace is a great marriage resource along with several key takeaways. Today, things are getting more personal. I’m going to share some of my favorite quotes from the book, and I’ll share some of my personal experiences along the way. Here’s a bold statement to get us started:
“No conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong” (Arbinger Institute, 2020, p. 58).
This is an interesting paradox, but when you are most right, you are more willing to consider how you might be wrong. That’s because when you are most right, you are reaching for truth more than you’re reaching to win. And nearly always there’s something else to learn. Believe it or not, there is more than one right way to do most things. On the other hand, when you’re convinced that you’re right, you are more likely to be blind to yourself.
“There is a question I have learned to ask myself… when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them?” (Arbinger Institute, 2020, p. 97).
The truth is, when I’m most bothered by my husband, I’m not holding myself to the same standard I’m demanding of him. It becomes easy to make someone worse than they really are when we need someone to blame. The solution I’ve found for this is to find ways to humanize my spouse and remember the core truth that he matters like I matter. Here are some ideas I’ve found helpful:
- I remind myself that I am the chooser. I get to choose how I see people and treat them, no matter how difficult the person or circumstance.
- I tag on the phrase “just like me” to thoughts I’m having about my spouse. For example, “my spouse has issues… just like me.”
- Eye contact is a powerful way for me to see my husband’s humanity. If I look my husband in the eyes for more than 15-20 seconds, I can’t help but see him as a person.
- Listening to his heartbeat. I can’t listen to another person’s heartbeat without feeling awe at the miracle of life.
- Listening to beautiful music, or spending time in nature also helps me to take a step back and seek my spouse’s humanity.
- I remind myself that having compassion doesn’t mean I don’t have boundaries.
“If you are going to invite change in him, there is something that first must change in you” (Arbinger Institute, 2020, p. 15).
It can be so easy to feel justified in our position in the middle of a conflict, especially when we feel mistreated. But I’ve found the way to invite change is to put my focus on helping things to go right, and to right the wrongs I’ve contributed to. This can take some humility. But regardless of the other person’s response, this personal change can help to heal our own hearts. Here are some ideas I’ve found helpful:
- Recognize the desire to change and repair the relationship.
- Genuinely listen and be curious.
- Ponder on my spouse’s suffering, pains, burdens, trials, and fears, and ask myself how I’ve contributed to these challenges.
- Sincerely apologize – whether in person or through a heartfelt letter.
- Ask myself what I feel I should do to help, and then do it. Follow through is essential. “A change in seeing that doesn’t also bring about a change in doing amounts to no change at all” (Arbinger Institute, 2020, p. 243).
“Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, beliefs, and needs that we can see and understand others’. If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others’ beliefs must be to them. And if we have needs, then our own experience equips us to notice the needs of others” (Arbinger Institute, 2020, p. 228).
With a heart at peace, we are equipped to focus on what is true, collaborate, and find lasting solutions. Our differences can be a blessing, not a burden. And our relationships can become a place of connection, freedom, and joy.
If you’re ready to resolve conflicts in your marriage, give these ideas a try. Don’t be surprised if your spouse likes the changes, and starts changing too! And don’t forget to order a copy of The Anatomy of Peace if you’d like to learn more!
Reference
Arbinger Institute. (2020). The anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart of conflict. Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
Hi, I’m Heather Huggard. I have always loved to learn. I especially love learning about physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. I have a bachelor’s degree from BYU in nursing (with a psychology minor), and now I am a Marriage and Family Studies major at BYU-I.
I am especially interested in studying the personal development that happens through marriage, and the topic of differentiation. The theory of differentiation comes from the work of Murray Bowen, and was later developed and applied to marriage by David Schnarch. Dr. Schnarch’s crucible approach to marriage difficulties is intriguing to me because it focuses on personal development while in a close relationship. This approach also differs from the more mainstream attachment based approaches, instead focusing on the balance between autonomy and connection. I think I am passionate about this topic because it is something I want to develop within myself.